Discovering My Purpose

There is an old version of me--the B.C. wife and the B.C. mom. God has really brought me a long way.  The wife and mom I am today--transformed by God's amazing grace, wisdom and direction--has allowed me to help encourage other women along the way. For a long time I lived in mostly-voluntary isolation. I was alone a lot and sometimes it felt like too much. I felt as though I was being pinned down by a force much greater than me. Some days, I wanted to get up and fight but found myself filled with desire and lacking energy. On other days, I had no desire to fight and I was willing to stay down because my life felt too overwhelming for me to handle. I felt as though I was in deep water, paddling frantically, trying desperately to keep my head above water. Yet, I never drowned. I survived, every day trying to figure out my life's purpose. I had these four beautiful children, wondering why?  Why was I chosen to be their mom?  Why was I given this task and great responsibility?

What's crazy is that I always knew about God, master Creator of the universe. I knew that He had a Son whom He sent to die on a Cross. I knew that Jesus had been betrayed by those closest to Him. I also knew that Jesus had risen on the third day and that He was seated at the right hand of the Father. Growing up, that is the extent of what I knew about God. Even so, I remember God being the one who I would share my feelings with. For many of my childhood years I was a loner, an introvert, feeling like an outcast. I lived a very sheltered life and didn't have many friends. Even when I began to have friends, I don't remember sharing anything intimate with them. I always kept most of my feelings to myself. I was a very reserved person. I was a deep thinker, sometimes an over-thinker. I loved observing people and their interactions with other people. When I was in a mood to share my feelings, however, I always shared them with God.

I remember so many times in my life when I have been angry with God. As a kid, I was angry with God about us being poor, about the way I looked and even about having such a strict dad. I always asked Him why or how He could allow "this" to happen. Later in my life, the anger remained, but about different things. You see, it was never my plan to get married or even to have children. Yet, I met a guy at the age of seventeen. He was so cool, so calm, so handsome. Somehow, things all worked out in a way that we ended up married at the age of 20, and our first-born arrived only a few months later. Two years later, our second child came into this world. I was happy, for the most part. Then, I started becoming a bit restless in trying to figure out my life's purpose. I was a young mom, without any intimate friendships and a husband who worked 15 to 18 hour days, almost seven days a week. I was attempting to go back to school, while working, while taking care of the kids. Things went from hectic to crazy. As had become customary in my life, I cried out to God.

"Don't you see me?! How are you allowing all of this to happen?!" He answered clearly that I was supposed to quit my job. When I quit my job, after discussing it with my husband, I became pregnant only 3 months later. I felt so deceived and angry with God! This is not what I had in mind when I quit my job! God kept throwing curveballs in my life, throwing me off balance every single time. I eventually rejoiced at the idea of our baby girl, who was growing inside my belly. I began to feel happy about my pregnancy and I ended up having the most amazing experience of all! I remember talking to my husband and telling him that I would stay home with our baby girl for one year before returning to finish my final year of college. By the way, I love my husband and how understanding he's always been about all of my ideas! Anyway, on the day after our daughter's first birthday, I took a pregnancy test and found out that baby #4 was on the way. Yet, another curveball! Oh, how I hope that you are laughing out loud right now! You see? God has a BIG sense of humor!!

Indeed, there was a purpose for all of this in my life. You see, me being a stay-at-home mommy with two kids in school and two little ones at home, is what led me to one of the darkest pits of my life. My husband, who has always been a great financial provider, still worked those crazy long hours. Every time our family dynamic changed, I was the one having to make changes to my routine or schedule. He did help but he was also gone quite a bit. One day, I had had enough. I was so frustrated and angry and bitter with my current-life situation. Once again, I cried out to God. And I mean, I cried! I was on my knees just looking at my kids and feeling like such a failure as a mom, feeling so ill-equipped to raise them to become who God created them to be. Once my crying session ended, I opened up my email, one of the many things I did to simply pass the time in my never-ending days. I saw an email from a church I had been invited to as a guest a couple of years back. Something in me led me to open up that email and it was an invitation to a women's bible study. I knew in that moment that God Himself was answering me. Not caring that I didn't know anyone at that church, I replied to the email and I signed up for that bible study. And that was the beginning of my journey in discovering my life's true purpose. 

Three bible studies later, my family began to notice a change in me. Three bible studies later, my husband was working less hours. Three bible studies later, the anger was being replaced with joy and hope for the future. Three bible studies later I began reading my bible, the actual living Word of God, which has now become the manual for living out my life. Three bible studies later and my husband agreed to start attending that church with me and our kids. Today, we are in our fourth year of attending that church. I love our church family. I love the friends that we have made along the way. I love every opportunity that we have had to serve. I love the roller coaster ride that I'm living today, enjoying being married to the man of my dreams and loving that God blessed us with four incredible and amazing kids, who we are raising to become world-changers for God's kingdom! I'm so thankful for the wife and the mom that I am today, because of Him!

I have now learned to stop questioning God. I trust Him fully in all things! Where He leads me is where I'm going. The things He has called me to do have not always been easy. In my complete obedience to God, He has stretched me in ways I never imagined. But I look at where we are as a family today, and I can assure you that it has all been worth it!! So if you are finding yourself struggling to discover your life's purpose, here is my advice to you:

1. Trust God fully and completely. 
2. Seek His wisdom and guidance. 
3. Submit to His will - Obey!
4. Enjoy the ride! 

"Lord, today all I want to do is to give you thanks and praise for all that you have done in my life and in the life of every reader today. I thank you for your faithfulness. I thank you that your ways are always higher and that you are always working out all things together for our good! I thank you that we are more than conquerors in Christ! I thank you that in you, we have hope and a future that will impact our family for generations to come! I thank you for loving us so much, even when we are not deserving. And I thank you that because of that love, you teach us also how to love others in their brokenness. I thank you that you teach us to love others above ourselves. I thank you that you empower us by the Holy Spirit in us. I thank you for your perfect will for our lives. Father, we humbly come before you and say 'Let YOUR will be done, not ours. Make us less to make room for more of you.' We give you all glory, all honor and all praise, It is in the mighty and powerful name of Jesus that we pray. Amen and amen!!"